Heartbroken. Terminating on Sat due to HG/medical issues

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Heartbroken. Terminating on Sat due to HG/medical issues

Postby Seren » Feb 17, 2014 9:27 am

I don't know where to start. I am typing this sobbing and I'm so exhausted. Please go easy on me, nobody could hate me any more than I hate myself right now.

Almost 3 weeks ago my fiancé and I found out we were pregnant, this is a much wanted baby. I have spent years collecting baby things and researching baby/pregnancy information. I'm 35 and my fiancé is in his 40s, we were finally able to start trying and miraculously we became pregnant on our first try. I knew there was something not quite right a few days before we did the test, I felt incredibly poorly and very, very stressed for what seemed like no apparent reason at the time. After we did the test (3 tests actually) we were both stunned, as it happened so quickly and over the moon that we had been so lucky. Over the day (Friday) I felt worse and worse, by the time Sunday came I was climbing the walls, I could not eat, sleep, drink or do anything at all, I felt so sick and my anxiety was through the roof (I never suffer with anxiety normally) so I made an appointment with my doctor on Monday. They took lots of blood tests and I had to wait a few days for the results. On arriving home I tried so hard to convince myself this must be a normal thing, I felt so angry I was so unwell and absolutely exhausted, as by this point I had not slept for over 5 days. My fiancé was continuing to go to work and from the moment he left I would pace the house, crying, sobbing on my hands and knees. I was trying so hard, taking prenatal vitamins, trying to sip water and I was still avoiding the anti nausea meds just in case they hurt the baby. On Wednesday the blood results came back and showed that yes I was pregnant, but also that I had a bizarrely high level of a certain hormone, I can't remember the exact name. It's quite a rare thing, but it causes really extreme changes in the chemical balances in the brain, HG and a few other things. Over time this can cause other more serious problems if you have a medical condition involving the blood, which I have! It can cause an enlarged heart, liver problems, kidney problems and allsorts of other things. The doctor said it is rare and the combination of my already existing blood condition makes it more complicated, he said I should maybe think what to do as if I decided not to proceed with this pregnancy, if we planned to try again they could give me injections prior to conceiving the next time to make the complication with my blood condition less likely to happen.

My initial reaction was to proceed with the pregnancy, whatever the cost. Over that week and weekend I became much more poorly, I was very dehydrated, I still couldn't sleep and I felt like I was going crazy :( I had started the nausea meds and other medications to try to lessen the symptoms but nothing touched it. By Monday I was in A&E on a rehydration I.V and monitoring. They scanned my heart which was already slightly enlarged and the doctor I spoke to was very concerned about how I would cope for a further 33 weeks, again they mentioned terminating. I felt so broken and still digging my heels in. I had a scan the following day, they couldn't see anything as its still to small, but they wanted to check it was all in the right place (not ectopic) and everything looked ok. The nurse their told me of other women who had terminated due to HG or other medical reasons and gone on to have a successful pregnancy afterwards. She said "you won't be able to carry on much longer like this anyway, you look so poorly and broken" she gave me a 24 hour number to phone her,I haven't called it but thought it was nice that she cared. That afternoon I told my mum and dad, my fiancé pushed me too as he felt I needed more support than just him. At first this felt like a relief, my mum was just concerned for me and said I had to do what I felt was right, but that I was the most important and without me their wouldn't be a baby anyway. She said if it was her she would terminate now while it was so early and then try again with more medical support. She said that I need to out my self first as this is mot importnant, but it doesn't feel that way :( I spent hours crying and talking over things with her, stopping to be poorly all the time. I felt a little better when I left her house that night, but that was short lived. My mum has a heart condition and stress really effects it, this was the reason I wasn't going to tell her. The next day my dad contacted me and said my mum just couldn't deal with it at the moment, that they support me, but that she had been poorly herself all night and could I perhaps not mention it too much to her. I can't tell you how awful this makes me feel.

So over the next week (last week) I wrestled with what to do, I felt delirious with exhaustion and sickness and very weak from not eating or drinking. My fiancé agreed with me that if we were to terminate then sooner is better. I can't believe how much of a long procedure this is though, we thought that deciding would be the hard part. But I then had to get a referral, the doctor couldn't see me for 4 days, the quicker option meant visiting a family planning clinic which was running the next day, so i went there, then I found out that if I was to go through the NHS this would take over 2 weeks! I felt beside myself, I was actually crying in the reception of the family planning clinic because everything felt so impossible. It still does. When I arrived home I frantically rang around private clinics, because it felt bad enough to be having to make this decision, let alone be forced to wait at least a further 2 weeks. My fiancé came home from work early as I was so upset on the phone he was worried about me being alone in the house, he has come home from work several times in these past 2 weeks and pretty soon work are going to want to know what's going on. I got in touch with BPAS and at first their wait list was almost as long as the NHS (BPAS run a private paid for service and also an NHS funded service with refferal) so I booked a consultation with them for Wednesday this week, which was the soonest they had. They could not refer me for the procedure until I had the consultation, but I felt so bereft at this point that I just took to appointment so I at least had something set.

That night I felt at my lowest, I was so sick, my fiancé said I was actually completely grey and my fingers were purple, I sat by the back door rocking like a crazy person, trying to get some fresh air as I was just heaving, crying, sobbing. At 2 am I emailed BPAS begging them to help me, I explained the situation, I just want to mention that I'm not judgmental of anyone choosing abortion for any reason, but I wanted them to know that I wasn't really choosing it, I don't really have a choice and I'm so very poorly and heartbroken. A few hours later a lovely gentleman phoned me from BPAS and he said they felt concerned for me, they couldn't bring my consultation forward but they could preliminarily book me in for a surgical termination under general aneasthetic (my choice of procedure) for the Saturday, the same week as the consultation, so providing they were happy with everything at the consultation they could proceed with the termination on Saturday. Although I didn't feel better or relived I did feel like I had something, some small comfort in knowing something is set.

This brings me to now, it's Monday, I'm still the same, even worse in fact. I can't imagine how I will get to the BPAS consultation on Wednesday, physically I'm exhausted and it's a 30 min drive away, my fiancé has booked the day off and obviously will take me but the thought of travelling and talking through it all, going through the legal counselling session they have to provide, another ultrasound scan to check it's a viable pregnancy, it all terrifies me :( but I know I will get through it somehow. I'm also scared of the procedure itself, I've never had a general aneasthetic, but the nurse I spoke with who did my scan said to take that option as I was so anxious and weak the other option is medical tablets and that's quite traumatic and she said that I had suffered enough and to be kind to myself, so I went with that.

I'm so frightened, even though I know I have no choice, I feel so guilty, so heartbroken and so afraid of how I will feel afterwards. I'm terrified that even though my fiancé is 100% supportive now, he may blame me afterwards? I have no reason to think that but that's a fear I have. He tells me we can try again, with the injections, everything will be ok. But I'm still so scared. I'm afraid that my hormones will go back to normal and all this will hit me like a boulder of reality afterwards and I will panic and think what the hell have I done?! How has this happened. I keep begging god to give me a natural miscarriage, to realise what's going on and that it's for the best, to help me, but it's not happening :( I feel so sick, exhausted, my throat is raw, my head hurts, my heart feels broken and I can't believe is has happened. It's so cruel. I've tried to distance myself from the fact it's a baby, but even that's impossible when I feel so sick, my boobs are sore and all the symptoms are there.

I'm hoping maybe there are other women who have been through this, can you give me any advice? Any hope for the future? Any support or words are so gratefully received. It's taken me all day to type this out as I'm so sick, but I told my fiancé I was doing it as I would like to speak to women who've experienced it, because I don't think anyone can appreciate this experience unless they go through/or are going through it.

Thank you and I'm sorry the post is so long, but it's even helped me a little just to type it out.

Seren
Seren
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Re: Heartbroken. Terminating on Sat due to HG/medical issues

Postby Cinderella82 » Feb 17, 2014 6:30 pm

Firstly, you are not to blame so please try not making yourself feel so guilty. You are right when you say you have no choice, you don't just have HG, you have other medical problems that will effect you too. You have to make sure you are well enough to keep a baby healthy, and heartbreakingly that's not possible this time. But you do have hope for the future.
I had my termination a week ago today, although I had no support and have a lot of unsympathetic people around me, I still know that it was not fair to carry on suffering so badly. I, like you did my best to convince myself that it wasn't actually a pregnancy, and I would squeeze my body hoping that would help a miscarriage. I was slightly delirious from all the vomiting I think. Nothing could have prepared me for how dreadful I felt. I had the consultation and procedure all in the same day with bpas. They gave me the anesthetic, I told them goodnight, next thing (I think about 10 mins after) I was woken up, I had no sickness feeling at all, that part of me was so relieved. And I'm also glad that if I decide to attempt that all again, then I am slightly prepared for what's to come, least then I can pre warn doctors of how I will react and that I need medical help. I couldn't go on like I was. It wasn't fair on me or my children who had to look after themselves. They couldn't bare hearing me vomiting all the time as I'm sure your husband feels useless too.
I'm sorry you are experiencing all of this, but you have done a good and brave thing by reaching out on here. Reading through other people's posts helps a lot. When I start to feel really low, I come back on here and message others who are suffering, I originally felt so alone, but when I got my 1st reply I felt like someone finally understood me. It helps so much. You are not alone in this and it doesn't make you a bad person because you have to do this.
Molar pregnancy 1998 removed at 14 weeks (named Jessie)
Daughter dob 27/06/00 normal pregnancy (Paige)
Termination 2001 through depression (angel baby)
Miscarriage beginning 2004 :'(
Daughter dob 17/10/04 hard pregnancy, unable to eat, very lethargic (possible start of HG!?)
Miscarriage October 2012 :'( broke my heart
HG pregnancy terminated at 7 weeks and 1 day, on 10/02/14. RIP Little poppyseed
Cinderella82
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Posts: 25
Joined: Feb 09, 2014 10:20 am

Re: Heartbroken. Terminating on Sat due to HG/medical issues

Postby Seren » Feb 17, 2014 7:07 pm

Thank you for replying to me cinderella82 your words and experience have been of huge comfort to me. I've felt in such turmoil for what feels like forever, even though it's only been a few weeks. Your right about HG making you feel delirious, I keep feeling like everything is slightly surreal and it's such an awful feeling, I've been on my hands and knees sobbing uncontrollably and then falling asleep for minutes at a time because I'm so exhausted. I wish HG was more widely acknowledged in the UK because people just don't seem to "get it" :(

I'm concentrating on getting to the appointment on Wednesday, I've got in quite a state about it because I'm so sick I can't see how I will manage the journey and appointment, but I will manage somehow. Can I ask about your experience at the BPAS clinic? I'm happy to chat through private message if you prefer. I'm a little worried about being so sick and in a waiting room full of people, was there a lot of waiting around? It all feels like some terrible nightmare at the moment which isn't actually happening to me, it's almost worse when I manage to sleep (even though it's only for 20 or so minutes at a time) because when I wake up for that split second I forget what's happening and when I remember the feeling is just terrible.

Tank you again for your support. It means such a lot.

Xx
Seren
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Re: Heartbroken. Terminating on Sat due to HG/medical issues

Postby Cinderella82 » Feb 17, 2014 7:54 pm

You can message me whenever or however you want.
I was left undiagnosed because I couldn't face sitting at the waiting room in the doctors throwing up in front of people.
The journey to bpas was hard, but I took plastic bags with me. Because I had both consultation and treatment on the same day it ended up being a long day, arrived at 11am and didn't leave till 5. The termination from start to finish took about 2 hours, that's from booking in and waiting too. It is nice in there, they will only call you by your 1st name. There is tvs in both waiting rooms (although I had to ask them to turn off the cooking programmes. And there is toilets where you can be sick if u need too.
The earlier the appointment u have, the less waiting time there is. Do tell them how sick you have been because of this and they might be able to hurry things up. I will pre warn u that I had to have and internal scan, but they make sure you don't see the pictures or the screen. I only wanted to know if there was twins, I was hoping actually because for future pregnancies might not be so tough, but no luck. Feel free to say anything you want to me, or ask me. Every irrational thought and feeling is normal, so don't worry x
Molar pregnancy 1998 removed at 14 weeks (named Jessie)
Daughter dob 27/06/00 normal pregnancy (Paige)
Termination 2001 through depression (angel baby)
Miscarriage beginning 2004 :'(
Daughter dob 17/10/04 hard pregnancy, unable to eat, very lethargic (possible start of HG!?)
Miscarriage October 2012 :'( broke my heart
HG pregnancy terminated at 7 weeks and 1 day, on 10/02/14. RIP Little poppyseed
Cinderella82
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Posts: 25
Joined: Feb 09, 2014 10:20 am

Re: Heartbroken. Terminating on Sat due to HG/medical issues

Postby Seren » Feb 18, 2014 5:36 am

Thank you. I have my consultation tomorrow morning and providing they ok me for everything the procedure will be done on Saturday under general aneasthetic. I am praying they say everything is ok and Saturday is a definite because I cannot bear this much longer, the waiting is torture. I've had 2 internal scans already at the hosptial, because they were checking for ectopic and the tummy scan didn't show anything because I'm only a few weeks, the lady had that monitor pointing right at me, but I couldn't see anything thank goodness. BPAS said they still have to scan me themselves, but that's fine, I'm just trying to go with it amd cope as best I can. I'm 7 weeks now. I'm hoping I will be allowed to take my migraine medication before the procedure, I've been suffering badly this week, I think the lack of food and being so dehydrated amd so stressed is aggravating them, I keep thinking it can't get any worse, but it can :( I never knew I could be so poorly, it makes me feel like I'm dying, it's terrifying. Thank you so much <3
Seren
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Posts: 21
Joined: Feb 17, 2014 7:55 am

Re: Heartbroken. Terminating on Sat due to HG/medical issues

Postby Cinderella82 » Feb 18, 2014 11:24 am

That internal scan is a right pain, iv got a severely tilted womb and my goodness it feels like they are digging for gold. I had 2. Always seem to feel like iv got wind when they are about to do it for some reason :oops: What time is your procedure booked for? You can sip water up to 2 hours before, so I think taking meds should be ok in that time, but best to check with them. I wasn't bothered by not being able to eat or drink because I hadn't done it in a week anyway, but I was more missing chewing gum, seemed to b the only time I had flavor in my mouth, although could only chew 1 for a min before even that got too much.
Try your best to push aside the sad part and just look forward to the day you can feel better and normal again. I'm still doing my best to trick my mind into believing it was some kind of cyst that made me ill and needed removing. I couldn't bare listening to them explain the procedure, I didn't want to know and tried to switch off when they explained it (doing a Homer Simpson and playing a little tune in my head).
All the best for tomorrow, let me know how it goes. And remember that everyone else is there for the same thing, maybe different circumstances but all feel just as bad x x x
Molar pregnancy 1998 removed at 14 weeks (named Jessie)
Daughter dob 27/06/00 normal pregnancy (Paige)
Termination 2001 through depression (angel baby)
Miscarriage beginning 2004 :'(
Daughter dob 17/10/04 hard pregnancy, unable to eat, very lethargic (possible start of HG!?)
Miscarriage October 2012 :'( broke my heart
HG pregnancy terminated at 7 weeks and 1 day, on 10/02/14. RIP Little poppyseed
Cinderella82
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Posts: 25
Joined: Feb 09, 2014 10:20 am

Re: Heartbroken. Terminating on Sat due to HG/medical issues

Postby Seren » Feb 18, 2014 12:29 pm

Thanks so much <3 I've been really bad today, I passed out this afternoon! Luckily I was already sitting down and it was as I tried to get up, so I only went forwards onto the carpet. I'm only sipping water and I've managed a few plain crisps, but nothing resembling normal. I'm trying hard to stay focused and I keep thinking "just get through tomorrow" but every now and then I have a wobble and I'm sobbing. The wait feels unbearable and it's horrible feeling so trapped because I can't do anything myself. Every minute feels like an hour. I will defiantly let you know how I get on tomorrow, keep your fingers crossed for me that they say everything's fine for a general anaesthetic because I couldn't bear having to go through any more pain and suffering by doing it the medical pill route. I feel so guilty saying that, almost like I deserve to suffer, but I really do just want all this to be over now and for me to come out the other side as well as I can be. It still feels like someone else's nightmare, it's so surreal.

X
Seren
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Posts: 21
Joined: Feb 17, 2014 7:55 am

Re: Heartbroken. Terminating on Sat due to HG/medical issues

Postby Cinderella82 » Feb 18, 2014 1:25 pm

I know what you mean about time dragging, I kept trying to sleep to hurry the time up, but could only manage about an hour at a time.
I was also really worried that I might not be allowed the anaesthetic, they get all panicky because I'm asthmatic, plus I worried about being sick while I was asleep. I wouldn't have been able to deal with the pill, I had a miscarriage in October and really didn't wanna go through that again. I was given a red band for the op so they knew to keep an extra eye on me.
If your passing out then I think you need to get your bum to a&e to get rehydrated, I know it's the last thing you need right now and the thought of it sounds like an impossible task but it's not a good sign to pass out, your body can't take much more of what it's going through
Molar pregnancy 1998 removed at 14 weeks (named Jessie)
Daughter dob 27/06/00 normal pregnancy (Paige)
Termination 2001 through depression (angel baby)
Miscarriage beginning 2004 :'(
Daughter dob 17/10/04 hard pregnancy, unable to eat, very lethargic (possible start of HG!?)
Miscarriage October 2012 :'( broke my heart
HG pregnancy terminated at 7 weeks and 1 day, on 10/02/14. RIP Little poppyseed
Cinderella82
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Posts: 25
Joined: Feb 09, 2014 10:20 am

Re: Heartbroken. Terminating on Sat due to HG/medical issues

Postby Seren » Feb 18, 2014 2:11 pm

Oh dear, I'm an asthmatic too! Will that make a difference? I only use my blue inhaler once in a while though so I don't feel it's that bad, but the referral form I have does say under "existing medical conditions" that I have "migraine and asthma". I have managed to keep some water down, but if I feel worse this evening I will go to A&E. my main concern is that I get to keep my Saturday appointment for the General Anaesthetic as I really feel too weak to cope with anything else traumatic. Thanks ever so much for supporting me, it really does help me to have another woman who's been through this to talk to. X
Seren
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Posts: 21
Joined: Feb 17, 2014 7:55 am

Re: Heartbroken. Terminating on Sat due to HG/medical issues

Postby Cinderella82 » Feb 18, 2014 3:07 pm

It's not a problem at all. Asthma isn't a issue providing you have it under control. If you have been admitted to hospital overnight recently because of it then it might be different.
Molar pregnancy 1998 removed at 14 weeks (named Jessie)
Daughter dob 27/06/00 normal pregnancy (Paige)
Termination 2001 through depression (angel baby)
Miscarriage beginning 2004 :'(
Daughter dob 17/10/04 hard pregnancy, unable to eat, very lethargic (possible start of HG!?)
Miscarriage October 2012 :'( broke my heart
HG pregnancy terminated at 7 weeks and 1 day, on 10/02/14. RIP Little poppyseed
Cinderella82
New Member
 
Posts: 25
Joined: Feb 09, 2014 10:20 am

Re: Heartbroken. Terminating on Sat due to HG/medical issues

Postby Seren » Feb 19, 2014 3:36 pm

Hi,
I wanted to reply earlier but I've felt so poorly today. I managed to get to the consultation, god knows how though! I was so sick, I managed a shower this morning but was sat on the side of the bath for ages trying to get the strength to move, I couldn't stop crying because I couldn't imagine getting through the drive to the consultation clinic, anyway....we did get there. The staff were all lovely, really understanding and accommodating, they saw me within 5 mins of arriving and they went through things as quick as they could. They also moved my appointment to Friday, so even though it's only a day earlier....every day counts. I feel heartbroken, but so, so poorly that I know this is the only thing I can do. I am terrified of the procedure, of having a general anaesthetic, because I've never had one before, but the nurse took one look at me and said "go with the general, you've suffered enough" they also commented on how skinny I am, but it's because I've lost literally 27 pounds in 3 weeks!! So I'm defiantly having the general.

X
Seren
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Posts: 21
Joined: Feb 17, 2014 7:55 am

Re: Heartbroken. Terminating on Sat due to HG/medical issues

Postby Cinderella82 » Feb 19, 2014 3:50 pm

I'm so glad they have made some things easier for you. I remember counting down the minutes till my appointment, just wanted to sleep until it was time. Have you tried chewing gum or chupa chup lollies? That kept the sick in for a few extra mins, they were the only things I had for days, although my mouth got a bit sore, but I didn't care.
Remember the illness will be over Friday, although you will have other things to deal with, at least you will be able to face it a lot healthier than now
Molar pregnancy 1998 removed at 14 weeks (named Jessie)
Daughter dob 27/06/00 normal pregnancy (Paige)
Termination 2001 through depression (angel baby)
Miscarriage beginning 2004 :'(
Daughter dob 17/10/04 hard pregnancy, unable to eat, very lethargic (possible start of HG!?)
Miscarriage October 2012 :'( broke my heart
HG pregnancy terminated at 7 weeks and 1 day, on 10/02/14. RIP Little poppyseed
Cinderella82
New Member
 
Posts: 25
Joined: Feb 09, 2014 10:20 am

Re: Heartbroken. Terminating on Sat due to HG/medical issues

Postby Cinderella82 » Feb 20, 2014 8:52 pm

All the best for later, will be thinking of you x
Molar pregnancy 1998 removed at 14 weeks (named Jessie)
Daughter dob 27/06/00 normal pregnancy (Paige)
Termination 2001 through depression (angel baby)
Miscarriage beginning 2004 :'(
Daughter dob 17/10/04 hard pregnancy, unable to eat, very lethargic (possible start of HG!?)
Miscarriage October 2012 :'( broke my heart
HG pregnancy terminated at 7 weeks and 1 day, on 10/02/14. RIP Little poppyseed
Cinderella82
New Member
 
Posts: 25
Joined: Feb 09, 2014 10:20 am

Re: Heartbroken. Terminating on Sat due to HG/medical issues

Postby Seren » Feb 21, 2014 5:20 pm

Hi there,
This means such a lot to me, when I logged in and saw the message from you :)

I got through it, I don't know how because I was the worst I have been last night and this morning, I couldn't imagine how the hell we were going to drive the 2 hours to the clinic. I had to take bags to be sick in towels, I froze two bottles of water just to hold on my face and mouth, I must have looked like a crazy person but I didn't care. When we got there we were very early, so we sat in the car and I had a major wobble, I was so upset about what I had to do because it was a much wanted baby, but I literally felt like I was dying, I've been so sick and I was so dehydrated when I took my leggings off my skin was just flaking off and stuck to them (sorry I know that's disgusting) anyway I went in, I then had to wait in the hottest waiting room this side of the sun for an hour, it was hard work not dry heaving on people as every time I moved that's what I felt like. The nurse took me in and did my blood pressure, put my band on and took my history. She commented in how skinny I was and how poorly I looked and said it won't be long. I then went back in the waiting room for another 30 mins. When I was called I got changed and sat with two other ladies who were lovely and all equally terrified of the G.A. I was still so sick and the anaesthetist came out to look at me, then he said I would have to go last as he needed another doctor in there because I was so poorly, this made me worry quite a lot. When I eventually went in, there were two anaesthetists, two doctors and three nurses all crammed in the tiny pre-med room! They had to give me some stuff first to do with my blood condition and then attached me to some monitors. Then they gave me the G.A. I woke up in recovery, it was so surreal as I felt completely aware of things straight away, I expected to be confused. I only felt a tiny bit sick and they gave me anti migraine medication straight away as I'd had one all night and still felt terrible. Then I went to recovery and had tea and a biscuit etc. I was the last to leave.

It's a strange feeling, I feel heartbroken but quite sure I had no option. I was literally dying. At the minute I don't feel too bad and I have eaten some rice and vegetable spring rolls. I'm a bit worried about the anti-biotics as they are on my "allergic to" list and I can't believe I forget to check the list before I left for the clinic, so not sure what to do about that, I guess I'll phone them tomorrow. They gave me the suppository antibiotic that the nurse said covers me for tonight. But I can't believe I forgot to check my list, as I'm allergic to several types of antibiotics as it effects my asthma.

I don't think what has happened has hit me yet, I suppose all my hormones will swim in soon and I'll fall to pieces a bit/lot. It was hard to think of anything joyful coming from being pregnant the past few weeks as I felt like I was dying, so getting form minute to minute was hard enough. But I know I will feel devastated when things even out a bit.

Thank you for being so supportive, it helps so much <3
Seren
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Posts: 21
Joined: Feb 17, 2014 7:55 am

Re: Heartbroken. Terminating on Sat due to HG/medical issues

Postby Cinderella82 » Feb 21, 2014 6:17 pm

I'm glad ur through the other side, still traumatic till the end unfortunately but u done it, and survived. Aside from the upsetting part of it because iv been trying not to focus on that, but doesn't it feel good to finally be able to eat and drink. I managed 2 mcdonalds after as well as the sandwich they give you. I'll be honest iv felt rough since a couple of days after, I put it down to the antibiotics, told the doctor, she tried telling me that no one is allergic to them, which I know for a fact is rubbish, but I gave up taking them, prob not a good idea but the doctor didn't help.
I have regular g.a because I'm scared of the dentist so that wasn't a problem for me.
Mine still hasn't hit home yet although I have become very moody, cry at a drop of a hat, and I'm very envious of people with new arrivals, can't even bring myself to congratulate them.
We both gotta now give ourselves time, and try to remember that it wasn't a bad thing we did, it was taken by the nasty illness. And also we now know what is wrong so in the future we can prepare and get treated in advance for a healthier pregnancy
I am proud of u for being able to talk about it, just try not to run before u can walk. I'm still trying to rest, and avoid lots of people, need to be strong myself before I can deal with non understanding people
x x x
Molar pregnancy 1998 removed at 14 weeks (named Jessie)
Daughter dob 27/06/00 normal pregnancy (Paige)
Termination 2001 through depression (angel baby)
Miscarriage beginning 2004 :'(
Daughter dob 17/10/04 hard pregnancy, unable to eat, very lethargic (possible start of HG!?)
Miscarriage October 2012 :'( broke my heart
HG pregnancy terminated at 7 weeks and 1 day, on 10/02/14. RIP Little poppyseed
Cinderella82
New Member
 
Posts: 25
Joined: Feb 09, 2014 10:20 am

Re: Heartbroken. Terminating on Sat due to HG/medical issues

Postby Seren » Feb 21, 2014 8:46 pm

I've felt fairly emotional tonight, it was strange really, I was just sat there and all of a sudden realised I'd been pregnant. That's the trouble with HG and other severe pregnancy related illnesses I think, they totally take over what's happening, so being pregnant almost feels second to fighting to survive yourself, so when the horrific symptoms start to subside you're left with the horror of the situation to deal with, with a clear head. I wrote everything down as soon as I came home, not sure why really, but I felt I didn't want to forget exactly what happened today and how hard it was to go through with it, because I think it may fade a bit seeing as I was so exhausted at the time. I've noticed I feel quite snappy tonight, or maybe irritable, but I suppose it's the unfair nature of what's happened and nobody around me can possibly understand how I feel. Everyone at the clinic was amazing and supportive and I could not have asked for more care but the only negative thing I could say was, although they tell you how to take care of yourself sanitary pad wise, antibiotics etc, no one mentions anything about the emotional aspect afterwards or what to expect when the hormones go back to normal, or maybe they normally do but because I was the last one out they didn't get time. I don't feel too bad physically, some cramping, headache etc, the only thing I'm finding upsetting is changing my pad, which is silly, because I knew I'd be bleeding a little and spotting, but it's just the sight of it, sort of proof it actually did happen. I think perhaps we are quite similar in the way we are dealing with it, sort of distancing ourselves from it as best we can, especially the upsetting part. But I guess there's no right or wrong way to deal with it, we just have to keep going. Xx
Seren
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Joined: Feb 17, 2014 7:55 am

Re: Heartbroken. Terminating on Sat due to HG/medical issues

Postby Cinderella82 » Feb 21, 2014 9:03 pm

We sure do. I didn't bleed till a week later, and my goodness the pain of passing the clots was very erm real! Just a bit worse than period pains. Maybe mine was different because I got the implant at the same time. It's also taken till now for my boobs to stop being sore.
Try and keep you mind busy, books, puzzles, writing is good coz not only do you get ur feelings out, u can always go back to them, watch films, that seems the best 1 for me. Enemy of the state really helped shut down my over working brain. Plus trying to help others going through the same struggle on here not only helps them, it helps you too

I am really getting fed up with the constant headaches. Try get a good nights sleep tonight, and make ur husband give u lots of well deserved hugs
X
Molar pregnancy 1998 removed at 14 weeks (named Jessie)
Daughter dob 27/06/00 normal pregnancy (Paige)
Termination 2001 through depression (angel baby)
Miscarriage beginning 2004 :'(
Daughter dob 17/10/04 hard pregnancy, unable to eat, very lethargic (possible start of HG!?)
Miscarriage October 2012 :'( broke my heart
HG pregnancy terminated at 7 weeks and 1 day, on 10/02/14. RIP Little poppyseed
Cinderella82
New Member
 
Posts: 25
Joined: Feb 09, 2014 10:20 am

Re: Heartbroken. Terminating on Sat due to HG/medical issues

Postby Seren » Feb 22, 2014 5:22 pm

Hi,
Just thought I'd see how you are feeling today? I re-read all your messages before because I was slightly delirious with feeling so poorly when I originally read them, so wanted to read them again with clear head. I didn't realise that it was such a short time ago you suffered your loss, so wanted to check you're ok to.

I've felt pretty awful today, like I've woken from a nightmare, I can defiantly feel my normal hormones returning and I feel on the verge of tears all the time, but I haven't cried. Although my partner is supportive, he will be back at work Monday and I have no other support so I'm a little worried how I will feel then. Physically I'm not too bad, although my tummy is swollen, I had nothing at all there before and now I have a small hard bump?! So I will see how that is tomorrow and if it's the same I will ring BPAS and ask, I was bleeding quite a bit, then it stopped, I haven't had much cramping. I just mostly feel heartbroken and alone. I'm sure you feel the same *hugs* x
Seren
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Posts: 21
Joined: Feb 17, 2014 7:55 am

Re: Heartbroken. Terminating on Sat due to HG/medical issues

Postby Cinderella82 » Feb 22, 2014 7:55 pm

Thanks Hun. Can't say I'm doing great, but I find it more helpful to be there for others, iv always been like that, I get my happiness through keeping others strong. Iv had depression since I was around 9 years old so iv got other issues to deal with, and these constant headaches r a joke, but my doctor thinks paracetamol is the cure, and he just makes me feel like a drug addict if I ask for something stronger. Do feel like I'm trapped in a box n can't get find the exit. Everything got bad after my miscarriage, and this previous pregnancy made it all worse. But, I am female, I'm strong, anything that doesn't kill me makes me superwoman. Lol.
I didn't have cramping till the clots started coming, they are not pleasant, I suggest getting hot water bottles at the ready just in case.
Don't know about a lump though, could it be ur stomach getting use to food again?
Hope it's nothing serious.
Iv got counselling at the end of the month, to help with all sorts of bereavement.
Maybe while your husband is at work you could do research into what u need to have done so you can have the pregnancy u want. I resorted to the good old Facebook games to help me through and crosswords
You will get through this, we both will, but it'll b a bumpy ride for a bit
Just enjoy useing ur taste buds for now
X x hugs back x X
Molar pregnancy 1998 removed at 14 weeks (named Jessie)
Daughter dob 27/06/00 normal pregnancy (Paige)
Termination 2001 through depression (angel baby)
Miscarriage beginning 2004 :'(
Daughter dob 17/10/04 hard pregnancy, unable to eat, very lethargic (possible start of HG!?)
Miscarriage October 2012 :'( broke my heart
HG pregnancy terminated at 7 weeks and 1 day, on 10/02/14. RIP Little poppyseed
Cinderella82
New Member
 
Posts: 25
Joined: Feb 09, 2014 10:20 am

Re: Heartbroken. Terminating on Sat due to HG/medical issues

Postby Cinderella82 » Feb 22, 2014 8:05 pm

Have you looked on my 1st post? It's called terminating tomorrow and scared, mixed feelings. It pretty much mimics ur fears on ur posts x
Molar pregnancy 1998 removed at 14 weeks (named Jessie)
Daughter dob 27/06/00 normal pregnancy (Paige)
Termination 2001 through depression (angel baby)
Miscarriage beginning 2004 :'(
Daughter dob 17/10/04 hard pregnancy, unable to eat, very lethargic (possible start of HG!?)
Miscarriage October 2012 :'( broke my heart
HG pregnancy terminated at 7 weeks and 1 day, on 10/02/14. RIP Little poppyseed
Cinderella82
New Member
 
Posts: 25
Joined: Feb 09, 2014 10:20 am

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