The pain returns as intense as ever.

Help with physical and emotional healing for moms who have suffered loss.

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The pain returns as intense as ever.

Postby KL_UK » Jun 09, 2015 1:06 pm

I had to terminate my pregnancy in 2009 because of severe HG. During a brief time in hospital when they managed to get me on the right medication and had me permanently on a drip, I fell in love with my baby, but I got terribly ill again within a couple of days of being back at home. My long-term boyfriend at the time (we are no longer together) didn't want the baby and I couldn't cope alone. I wasn't financially secure, my relationship was rocky, I was extremely scared, but most of all my HG was a living hell. I was dying, of starvation, and I wanted to die. But the grief which hit me after the termination was excruciating. I didn't think I could live with it. Counselling helped me work through my feelings and marking the 'due date' (which I worked out myself) by visiting a park near the hospital and leaving flowers, helped. I felt I was in a better place with it, although I knew the pain would always be with me. It didn't help that, while in hospital, despite me telling the doctor I was unlikely to be continuing with the pregnancy, they treated me as though I was going through with it and said 'There's someone who wants to meet you' (something along those lines) when they did an ultrasound scan. And they gave me a picture. In the first few months after the termination, it broke my heart to be around pregnant women. Even years later, when a very close friend announced her pregnancy, I cried for my loss. Now my sister is pregnant. The first grandchild for our parents. I am overjoyed for her (my sadness never takes away my happiness for others) but her scan pics, the happiness of my parents, all of it brings back my loss and it's very painful. Due to certain events in the last year, the pain has been brought back inescapably and has been very intense. At 35 and single, I wonder if I will ever be a mum. I wonder if I will ever have a strong enough relationship to be able to even contemplate going through that again. I wonder if I will ever be strong enough myself. I am almost certain I will have HG as, sadly, this was my second pregnancy. I had HG the first time - and it was very bad then - but this time it was a thousand times worse. It's so hard to have this secret loss. To not be recognised as a mother, which for a short time I was. It haunts me and I don't know if it's possible for me to be in any way at peace with the loss.
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Re: The pain returns as intense as ever.

Postby KL_UK » Jun 09, 2015 1:07 pm

P.S. Where is the memorial page these days? I haven't been on this page in a few years. I posted memorials and would like to see them.
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Re: The pain returns as intense as ever.

Postby DivineLotus » Jun 10, 2015 12:49 am

I'm not really sure exactly where it is but I think its still here.

My condolences on your loss. Thank you for sharing your story. HG is not easy to deal with much less to treat. Hg treatment is strong and early in order not to suffer so much but one still suffers. Wish you the best and for you to heal and find peace.
Image
Second HG baby. 8/6/15
Treated with zofran, diclegis, compro, colace, jigsaw magnesium. HG 7 weeks - 17 weeks. Continued meds.

First HG baby. 4/11/11
HG 4-20weeks, little treatment, severe. Zofran, reglan, B6, placenta pervia, lost 12lbs, depression, ptsd.
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Re: The pain returns as intense as ever.

Postby MichellevsHG » Jul 18, 2015 7:52 pm

Hi KL - I am very sorry for your loss. You are still a mom regardless of outcome. It took me a long time to come to peace with my TA. I know in my heart that day will come to you too. I'm so glad to see you're talking to a counselor about everything that has happened. I know it helps to have a neutral party to talk to. Big hugs to you!

Here's the memorial page if you'd like to look for your little one.
http://www.helpher.org/mothers/in-memorium/
Image
DD, 9/14/07, (6w -38w) Severe HG (induced due to PreE) - barely treated until 20w; 40+lbs weight loss; multiple ER/hospital visits, PICC, zofran, benedryl, zantac, & baby aspirin; new Ob at 21/22w; mild Polyhydramnios (37w)

Loss, 9/17/13 (11w6d), Aggressively treated severe HG from 5w - 5% weightloss in 6 days, IV protonix/fluids/zofran @ 8w; zofran pump, benedryl, phenergan, zantac, baby aspirin

Loss, 12/7/13 (4w5d)

Angel Sent to Heaven, 10/21/92 (7w4d), Undiagnosed/Untreated Severe HG
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